A-pope-calypse Now

Last Wednesday, those ever-popular signs of the apocalypse got prime-time exposure on the premiere of NBC’s "Revelations," where Bill Pullman plays an intellectual of some sort being followed around by a nun who believes God is speaking through a semi-living dead girl. Pullman arrives just as a cabal of heartless men in white coats has gathered in a shadowy x-ray viewing room to discuss pulling the plug. Being the slaves to that ever-seductive false-God "Science," the doctors, in their infinite skepticism, somehow dismiss her random spewing of Latin as "brain spasms." Let's see--a comatose girl is caught in middle of a debate between science and religion. Sound familiar?

Thankfully, Terri Schiavo never randomly broke out in Latin. But for NBC the timing couldn't be any better. Especially since their epic "culture of life" wet dream has coincided with yet more apocalypse talk since the selection of Benedict XVI as the Catholic Church's new Pope. If you believe St. Benedict, who prophesied that the final Pope would come from his Order, then the selection surely marks the end of times. But then, isn't Benedict XVI a Dominican? And isn't the name pretty much arbitrarily chosen (I would have chosen something cool like Andre MMMI, but I digress)? No, it seems the true tragedy is most probably not the end of days, but the Church's missed opportunity to open its arms to new and former Catholics alike, as well as its failure to recognize the one place where their numbers are actually growing. A South American Pope, for instance, might have made more sense.

Amid talk that the Church was seeking to restructure and possibly considering a moderate, some were surprised that the strict Ratzinger was chosen. The process being as secretive as it is, we may never know the actual "rationale" (quotes connote this writer's skepticism that reason played any significant role whatsoever). But here's what we do know: it took the conclave a relatively short while to elect arguably the most powerful man in the Vatican. Given that the Church has hardly abstained from playing politics throughout its history, what's surprising is that we were even surprised at all.

So the Apocalypse is probably not upon us, but perhaps it is better to err on the side of caution. Considering the recent apocalyptic clamors, I've compiled a short list of things to do before either the end of days in general or the end of your days specifically:

1) Finish your living will and/or your novel.

2) Just for fun, free Fiona Apple.

3) Learn Latin to spice up your "brain spasms" should you ever become comatose (learning to spin your head in a 360-degree angle, a plus).

4) Shave your mustache or at least dye it to match your hair color. This means you John Bolton.

And finally,

5) Just for fun, become the Pope.