What Would Dr. Phil Do? (first in a series)

So today's Dr. Phil is about the "biggest $$$ mistakes families make," because apparently families can't spell out "financial" or "money." This has the potential to be a great show, because it will inevitably feature really dumb people making really dumb (yet, if you're me, relatable) decisions and Dr. Phil yelling at them. I do like it when Dr. Phil yells. We'll see. Only an hour and a half to go!

Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out ways to get on Dr. Phil. Among the current options:

Are you secretly a prostitute? In the sense that I have reached a point in my life where I trade blowjobs for pizza and wine, yes. (If only I hadn't made all those $$$ mistakes in my early 20s, I could maybe buy my own. Where were you then, Dr. Phil?)

Wish you could show the world the real you? The real me that is currently in pajamas, under a blanket, with a notebook computer on my lap, eating leftover pizza acquired through virtual prostitution? Not so much, no.

Parents hate your fiance? This is the most convincing argument yet for getting engaged.